On Monday January 28^th I set off to the Westwood tennis shop to have my rackets re – gripped. I decided to drive home via Sunset Blvd. Just before the Sunset/Roxbury intersection a guy in a minivan swerved into my lane and almost smashed into the side of my car. Luckily I was paying attention and I slowed down quickly enough to avoid a collision. I then honked at him and flipped him off and when I drove up next to him he appeared completely bewildered as to why I was so upset (which upset me even more). Not twenty seconds later a guy in a Corolla switched lanes without looking and almost hit me. Again I reacted quickly and swerved out of the way. I have had several near – accidents in Los Angeles (none of them my fault) since people here don’t pay attention to the road and drive with their heads up their asses. About 15 seconds later a woman in an SUV who had been two cars behind me pulled up next to me and began veering into my lane. At this point I was really upset and completely baffled as to how I managed to encounter the three worst drivers on the road in direct succession. When I looked up at her I saw that she was grinning and amusing herself by imitating the actions of the two drivers that had almost killed me.

After avoiding two potentially horrible accidents I really wasn’t in a good mood and it seemed that only a sociopath would parlay this series of events into some vehicular jest. Not knowing what else to do I followed the woman, who did her best to get away from me after she noticed how mad I was, until I pulled up next to her at an intersection and threw a penny at her car. She seemed not to notice (which upset me further) so I followed her for another mile or so until I got right next to her and threw a quarter at her door as hard as I could. This effort proved more successful as it made a really loud noise and left a mark. Unfortunately this turned her into even more of a lunatic because then she started pursuing me and driving right on my tail up Sunset. This street is dangerous and terrifying without being chased by a demented motorist, but with the looming threat of more violence the drive was about as dangerous as could be. I did my best to shake her, even going through a red light in front of the Saddle Ranch, but it was no use. She managed to follow me all the way to my apartment. I didn’t pull into my driveway for obvious reasons and instead I drove back up to Sunset where she somehow managed to pull in front of me. She then stopped her car, blocking traffic and preventing me from passing her and driving away. She proceeded to get out of her car and approach my car screaming, “don’t throw shit at my car. Don’t throw shit at my car.”

It was a chaotic scene and all of the stopped cars were honking. My biggest fear was that she was going to harm my car in some way. At this point I was yelling back at her, “what the fuck is wrong with you, you fucking idiot? Do you think that shit is funny?” Then she got closer, reached her hand in the window and slapped me across the face. I was stunned. At this point I noticed that there were a lot of spectators who were seated at the outdoor patio of an adjacent Mexican restaurant, one of whom was filming the scene on his camera phone. There wasn’t much that I could do but yell, “I can’t do shit to you, you’re a fucking woman (albeit a psychotic one). Get back in your fucking car and learn how to drive.” Then she yelled at me some more and I told her to go fuck herself and I drove home.

            I have always been quick to anger and I suffer from road rage, as anyone who has driven with me will tell you. However, no road rage incident in the past has evolved beyond yelling and swearing. This one was a real wake – up call. Basically I got punked hard. A woman I’d never met before slapped me in the face in front of a bunch of strangers. I’ve had all afternoon to re – play the events in my mind and contemplate their significance, but I am unable to arrive at any conclusion besides the obvious one which is that she’s crazy, she got the best of me and I really need to relax. After all, what can I hope to gain through a road rage incident? The only one that has ever been remotely satisfying was when I screamed at a guy who was about to hit my car while parallel parking. I was drunk at the time and I completely over reacted, but it still felt sort of good to get it out of my system. I forgot about it the next day.

This incident could have easily been avoided if I had not thrown shit at her car. Obviously she knew that I was upset, did I really need to enact my revenge? It would have been much wiser to just ignore the crazy woman and drive home. Unfortunately I am not levelheaded, nor do I stop to consider consequences when getting in ‘fights’ of any kind. In college I remember drunkenly berating an enormous guy on Del Playa after he made fun of me for falling down on purpose. Luckily my friends were there to explain to him that I was drunk and an idiot. Then as he walked away I said something about his mom. Nice move. Again he got in my face, but I didn’t take the threat seriously and once again my friends were kind enough not to let him teach me the lesson I deserved.

I am not big or tough so it is impossible for me to intimidate people. However, this hasn’t stopped me from trying. I should realize that by acting on these impulses and indulging stupid people who want to get in fights, I am doing myself a real disservice because I have no chance of kicking their asses to begin with. I have never had an actual reason to fight anyone, nor have I ever been in a real fight. I am only vaguely aware of how small I am and still I refuse to acknowledge or accept my limitations because I could once bench press 200 lbs. I was strong for my size, but not strong enough to ever kick anyone’s ass.

Getting slapped in the face by a stranger in front of a bunch of people was not only a slap in the face, it was also a kick in the balls. I finally realize that it is completely senseless to take traffic incidents and other incidents involving people who are assholes, personally. By doing so you harbor resentment towards nobody in particular that festers inside your small, frail body until it gives you a stroke. I consider myself a decent person. I am not malicious or mean, I just have a bad temper. However, I’ve been using this bad temper excuse to justify behavior that has very little to do with my temper. I am turning over a new leaf. It is naïve to think that I’ll be able to ‘just relax’ in the future. I won’t. I am far too cynical to ever overlook senseless, irritating bullshit, but after today I realize that the advice I’ve dismissed so many times in the past (there’s nothing I can do about it) actually makes a lot of sense. As much as I don’t want to accept it, I am helpless to prevent certain things from happening. I will never be a very mellow person, but I will try to care less about stupid bullshit like bad drivers, noisy neighbors and stupid people who behave like assholes. After all, what good would it do for me to tell someone, “you are a stupid obnoxious dipshit?” It wouldn’t accomplish anything. Furthermore, that person could almost certainly kick my ass.

Hello my delicate snowflakes,

As the singer/songwriter Jim Morrison once sang ‘summer’s almost gone.’ Let me tell you, this was one crazy summer. The madness culminated this weekend with a trip to Stinson beach. It was a reunion between a bunch of college friends and it turned out to be exactly like the film ‘The Big Chill’- that is if all the characters in the film had gotten shitfaced and passed out at 8 PM. In the Big Chill they stayed up all night talking about life, adulthood, worries, regrets, dreams, marriage and children. We were not united to mourn the loss of a friend, but really to acknowledge the slow passing of our youth and the challenges that we face as young adults. Instead of addressing these issues as mature adults in a relaxing setting, we chose to drown our feelings in tequila and berate one another. It was like one of those old comedy of manners - type films where the characters are put into a regal setting and by the end of the film taboos, spirits and patio furniture have all been broken. 

Do you ever feel like you are the lone passenger on a train bound for hell? 

How about these fathead stickers? Have you seen these things? Who needs a giant football player on their wall? If I could get a fathead for my living room wall I’d get a Robert Evans fathead or a Pablo Neruda fathead. Hey. Maybe I can sell those. What do you think? I already have one marvelous business idea – yarmulke helmets. Speaking of helmets, it’s football season! And speaking of football, what's the deal with these fathead stickers?

Have you noticed that a lot of ads for gum, toothpaste and hair products end with people making out?

Have you guys seen that ‘leave Britney alone’ video on youtube? Pure bliss. I don’t know about you, but in my opinion, what America needs more than anything is a wacky screaming transvestite to boost our spirits. 

Those commercials with Dane Cook really make me want to watch baseball playoffs. 

I don't know about you, but I've fallen ass over tea kettle for several of the new fall collections. Fall is my favorite time of year because it's the season in which my favorite garment is re - born into something magical and new. What's my favorite garment you ask. I'll tell you. It's the sportcoat. Come October you won't see me sans - sportcoat. Rest assured. I'm really thinking of buying a velvet sportcoat this year. My other sportcoats are very traditional and it might be nice to wear something more aggressive. 

That's it for now. I'm off to New York on Wednesday. So when I get back I'm sure there will be a lot to blog about. 

Keep on dreamin'. 

Tony 'King of the Rascals' Goodman 

Sunday marked the culmination of last week’s culinary odyssey. As you remember from my last blog, the chosen cuisine was barbecue. I actually got sick of eating barbecue by Tuesday so I only ended up trying one new restaurant (I went back to the one in South Central Los Angeles). I avoided eating barbecue for the rest of the week until I attended an actual barbecue on Sunday. “Oh Christ,” I thought to myself, “how much bbq can a person eat?” Always one to look on the bright side and avoid complaining I decided that the barbecue was the perfect event for me to do some networking. Little did I know what lay ahead:( Things got off on the wrong foot as soon as I walked through the door. People were furious that I didn’t bring any food or beer. Let me clear something up, I did not show up empty handed. I brought a six pack of Ensure (mixed berry). You should have seen the looks I got. It was as if I had spit upon the queen of England. Apparently the other guests were not aware that a six pack of Ensure costs about 9 dollars. I spent most of the party pretending not to hear people whispering things about me and pretending not to notice them pointing at me. Eventually I decided to take matters into my own hands. I needed to change their opinion of me. So guess what I did. I turned on the sprinkler, took off my shirt, sang the theme song from ‘Sex and the City’ and ran through that sprinkler like a man possessed. When I looked up everyone was staring at me with mouths agape. Then the unthinkable happened. They all burst into cheers and applause. I felt just like Drew Barrymore in ‘Never Been Kissed.’ People were so grateful and supportive because it was such a hot day and I had discovered the perfect way to cool off. The only way that things could have gotten any better was if people started drinking my Ensure. Well wouldn't you know it. At that very minute someone brought out the six pack and a toast was made which concluded with this stunning tribute to my moxie and resilience, 'Tony proved to all of us today that you can't judge a book by its cover." Then we all drank. Actually I saw some people pouring their Ensure on the ground so the dog would drink it, but I didn't say anything. I felt too good.

It’s important not to be self – conscious. That’s why I always say: